… call it the shadow of myself. ~Over the Rhine
I just got back from seeing my favorite (Midwest) band play a wonderful show and so naturally I feel the urge to write. It feels like a very long time since I’ve written, but looking back I realize that it has only been three weeks. Time here is odd. It’s hard to believe that we’re only three weeks (more or less) from the end of our first term! And yet, there are days and moments that feel so full of thoughts, ideas, emotions, and change that they last forever.
What I have been trying to figure out is how to communicate to you what I have been experiencing. As I listened to Karin Bergquist sing tonight, I realized that of course the only way to explain anything is through poetry and song.
“All I Need Is Everything” was a surprise to hear in concert, being so old and all, but when I (re)heard these words my breath caught in my throat:
The wind blows through the trees
but if I look for it, it won’t come.
I tense up. My mind goes numb.
There’s nothing harder than learning how to receive.
This, this has been my experience these past weeks. Trying too hard. Freezing up. Wanting so much to learn how to receive Just as the song goes on to say, it often feels that all I need is everything–inside, outside, to feel new skin. Still, I “feel the slip and the grip of grace again.” (Go ahead, have a listen at Over the Rhine’s website.)
I don’t know how to tell you who I am becoming, because I don’t know myself. What I do know is that I’m starting to recognize how important it is that I figure it out. Or at least make a good effort at it now and for the rest of my life. I’m feeling freedom to live into and out of things I’ve not had permission to believe before. I am recognizing the depth of my brokenness and trying to learn how to delight in my goodness.
It’s wonderful. And terribly frightening. It is vulnerable to speak my truth.
Even so I have hope because I still believe this too:
I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I’m gonna learn to love without fear(Born)
The Dangerous Path 